So I think my blog feels like I gave up on it. Sorry baby, it's just been a little slow and I've been a little busy. Aka lazy.
As far back as I can remember, I have loved to entertain. My eyes were first opened in kindergarten. Chiaravalle Montessori was putting on a production of The Little Red Hen and I had landed the lusted after role of the cat.
Fast forward to the summer of 2010; Chicago, Illinois. I am standing in a middle school slamming a locker for the eighth time, filming my first commercial, for Master Lock (you know, that company that makes every single gym lock you’ve ever had? I had to pretty much give that one liner to everyone I mentioned this accomplishment to, but hey, I’m not complaining.) This is one of the most exciting moments of my life so far. Something has finally turned out right; something I’ve wished has come true! You see, I’d never let acting out of my head since that day I was in the kindergarten play. But I wasn’t always this successful.
~
Rewind to 5 months before. A soon to be familiar movie has just been cast. The part was given to a younger, more credited girl in L.A., as usual. Not me. This was supposed to be mine, I think as I sob in my bed on that dreary January day, my face squished between the pillow and sheets. I deserved this! I needed this. I will admit that I even prayed to God over this part, pretty much the one and only time I had since my childhood Communion and Confirmation in church. Let’s just say I didn’t have much faith in my Catholicism.
I turn over and see a mascara smeared pillow case. I’d never cried over a part before in my life, but this was the exception. It was called True Grit, a remake of a 1969 John Wayne western film. Granted, I’d never seen the original, but I took everyone’s word that this new, shiny, polished version would be better, even though the first had won an Oscar. The infamous Coen Brothers were on the hunt for the perfect Mattie Ross, their lead girl in the film. (Fun fact: Hailee Steinfeld who eventually won this part is not even on the poster! I had a good revenge laugh at that.) My agent called me immediately, in the middle of some class I had to run to the bathroom to answer the phone in, usually around 4th period, and told me about this awesome opportunity. It was a pretty damn big deal. The biggest thing I’d ever auditioned for, a multi-million dollar feature film. I couldn’t concentrate the whole rest of the day. As soon as I hopped off the bus I raced home and burst in the door to inform my, always supporting, parents. We quickly made an appointment to work with Catharine Head, an on-camera acting coach. The Catharine experience consisted of talking over your scenes, doing them in front of the camera, and watching back the brutal results. I never enjoyed watching myself or even listening to myself. It sounds kind of stupid, really, since I wanted to be putting myself in this position for life. But I just always seemed to nitpick and find something wrong with myself anywhere I possibly went, so it was easier to just avoid it at all costs. I guess putting myself out there and doing on-camera auditions was helping me with this self-put-down issue.
When I found out all my heart and soul that went into this film had been broken down and crushed, I was at first obviously depressed. There was a moment where I second guessed my impeccably hard choice of career, confidence dropping and negative thoughts rolling in. But anger and jealousy just overshadowed that. I tend to be a jealous person at times, especially if my competitiveness was revealed to get me where I was. For the next few months of my tragic life Miss Steinfeld was referred to simply as “the bitch.”
~
I finally moved on and realized maybe the part just wasn’t for me and comforted myself with accusations against Hailee and excuses for why it wasn’t me up there on the silver screen. I continued to work with numerous coaches, learned lines day and night, and missed school to fit in the nerve wracking experience of an audition. It might be hard to imagine for someone who hasn’t gone through it, but I can guarantee anyone’s heart would be racing. Picture this: several girls at a time come into an overcrowded waiting room, presumably all hoping to grab the trophy that is booking the role. But before that can even come close to happening, there’s a long treacherous road ahead; the audition process itself.
After braving through the couches and chairs full of overbearing moms and glaring daughters dressed obnoxiously in curled ponytails and frilly dresses to try and win over casting directors as the perfect sweet, innocent victorian girl for the part, I have to sign in at the office with my name, agency, role, and audition time. I don’t know if most people do, but I always find myself doing this “eliminate competition” thing in my head. I look at everyone before me on that list and try to find out some way to boost my confidence by putting myself ahead of them in my mind. For example, “They definitely don’t want a blonde” or, “Oh that’s the girl who tries to sike people out by coming out of an audition and announcing to her mother, loud enough for the offices down the hall to hear of course, that she’s received a callback, when half the time she is lying.” I’ve come to know a lot of different people around my age group by just constantly spotting them at these auditions, and I’ve learned their ways and strategies individually. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve also made a lot of acting friends because it’s something to bond over, but also something to envy each other for.
As I wait for my turn, tensely seated next to my almost-more-nervous-that-me mother, we both casually check out all the other girls, a real life version of my “eliminate competition” game. Eyes meet and we both offer that fake smile that everyone in the world knows is just to be courteous, not friendly. Even I, who am known to be the biggest chatterbox of a bunch, keep to myself during these adrenaline raising times, reviewing lines in my head one last time.
“Abby Rose Mark?”, a squeaky, just out of high school boy’s voice calls.
I take a deep breath and head into the room full of casting directors and cameras. There’s no turning back.
~
It’s August, 2010 and I’m sitting in my hotel room in Santa Monica, California overlooking the dazzling Santa Monica pier. I have never been to California before (unless you count when I was barely able to talk, at 1 year old.) It’s taking a while for me to soak it all in. All my dreams and people I look up to end up in this very place. Hollywood. This is where it begins, and where I hope to be eventually, after college in New York. I am beyond excited to be finally seeing the glorious place I read about in the magazines all the time. And I have to say, it really lives up to my standards, at least where I am. Bright sunshine all day long and an endless supply of beaches and stores to shop in. What more could a girl want? Oh maybe...a chance to amplify her dreams?
My parents pop into my room and surprise me with..tickets to Paramount Studios to go on a VIP tour! My heart does a flip-flop. This is where hundreds of my inspirations started out and continued throughout their careers, a place that shot them to stardom! Audrey Hepburn filmed Breakfast At Tiffany’s here, as well as Titanic (taking the whole parking lot filled up with water to create the ocean, no less), my all time two favorites. I forgot for a minute that True Grit was a Paramount production. By now, that whole era of my life is a mere fallback in my long line of great things to come.
I throw on a pair of jean shorts, a flowy white flowered shirt, and my favorite gray fringe messenger bag and we’re off. I have high expectations for this day, like I do most everything in my life. We pull up to the triumphant double arches that are the Paramount Studios gates on Melrose Avenue. My heart has picked up the pace.
After parking, we shmooze with the security guard while waiting for our tour guide. I ask him if he sees a lot of celebrities, and he, casually as ever, responds “Oh yeah, all the time. We have to sneak a lot of them in.” My eyes widen in awe.
“HELLO everyone right this way for the tour! Marks?”
My family nods in agreement.
“I’m Layla and I will be your tour guide today!” exclaims an overly enthusiastic, peppy blonde girl, who looks to be just out of high school. “Let’s get started!” We make our judgements on how she’ll do, and take our seats in the golf cart-looking bus she points to. Our first stop is the history of the studio, and I’m already teary eyed gazing at black and white photos of my idols like Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball, who ran the studio by herself for quite sometime I later found out. Throughout Layla’s speech, I do my usual and interrupt with little side comments in my excitement.
Our next stop is the beginning of all the stage doors, starting with one. These are actual sound stages that mostly television shows are shot in. A giant number like 13 or 21 is marked on each. Parked right outside are trailers, assumed to be for stars, called Star Waggons. If I keep looking down the “street” I see the start of the New York set, made to look like a few blocks of New York City. I stand in the middle of the fake tar street in the lot and take all this in, mouth wide open.
“Dad, I think I’m going to cry”, I say to my dad, who just laughs and pats me on the back. He knows what an emotional and soon to be life changing experience seeing all this is, and he also can’t even keep his mouth closed because this place is just too fantastic for words.
As we make our way through the NYC streets and pass by shopfronts with nothing behind them and police cars and taxis painted with NYPD logos, Layla points out the ground, and the fact that Paramount even hired people to chew gum and spit it out to create a more authentic street vibe. These people have every single detail covered! I’m still barely speaking, which, trust me, is a very unusual thing for me. My parents have to keep turning around to make sure I’m still there because I’m so awestruck.
Our tour leads us through numerous sets of shows we know and love, and some I’ve never even heard of. Cameras and microphones and cherry pickers are around every corner and a fake subway staircase is just the usual for the area.
When we stop to look at the doors of the Glee soundstage, I freak out and beg the tour guide to let us in, (Glee is one of my favorite shows at the moment!) but she says she’s not even allowed inside there. It’s a closed set apparently. I mope, but still drag myself up there to take a picture in front of the Congratulations on 19 Emmy nominations Glee! From your friends at Paramount sign.
After a little pit-stop at the Forest Gump bench, we make our way into the last place on the tour, the Paramount Theatre, where hundreds of movies have been screened and hundreds of celebrities have sat in those very chairs. And, might I add, they were the most comfortable chairs in the whole entire world, so Tom Cruise you were a lucky guy once again. Ohmygod Tom Cruise! Johnny Depp! Meryl Streep! My eyes probably bulge at the mention of these high rollers. My giddiness towards celebrity obsessions just proves my still immaturity, but hey, at least I can recognize talent when I see it!
I am so disappointed when Layla informs us our tour has unfortunately come to an end, just like any good tour guide would, but really just be relieved they could go take their lunch break. I slowly and gradually (being the last one of course) remove myself from the tour car and stand by the Paramount gates once again, back to where we started. I am silent for a while, and then, out of the blue, an outburst of sound comes from the direction of my mouth.
“THATWASSOCOOLLET’SGOAGAINOMG”
My parents just laugh at my and lead me to the car. Our tour wasn’t really over, though. We drive down Sunset Boulevard and through the houses atop hills we could never in our lifetimes afford to the farthest we can get to the Hollywood sign itself. Once we are practically falling off a cliff against the fence, we park the car and just sit there, gazing at the sun setting over the infamous sign.
The whole trip flashes before my eyes, and then my life and choices soon after. I think about all that I’ve been through in the past year, even. You feel like a year goes by so quickly, but when you think about it, it really doesn’t. You could have never accomplished everything you did in half that time, the good or the bad. And yes, there will always be bad. None of us is perfect, and we shouldn’t have to be. I didn’t book even half of those projects I auditioned for that year and I’m still trucking on. Of course I always had my down moments, like the aftermath of the “True Grit Incident”, but there were also some that made me ecstatic and thankful to be doing what I was doing, like filming my commercial.
Visiting California that summer and getting the chance to see what it would really be like if that was me in there doing what those actors were doing really inspired me. If they can make it that far, why can’t I? After that it’s all I talked about for weeks. I never wanted to stop this life, no matter how challenging it can be. Sometimes it just sucks, but other times, it’s fantastic. I had to learn how to build up a mindset to be able to stay with something as esteem-breaking as this industry, but it’s worth it. And the deal breaker is the fact that I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t want to. No pushy mother or offer of wads of cash could push me into something I don’t want to do. I truly love performing and using my creative mind and I know I wouldn’t die happy if I didn’t accomplish these dreams.
Paramount and just all of the dream state itself, California, showed me the finished product, what it looks like at the top. When you get to physically see the finish line for yourself, nothing else matters. It’s right there, in your grasp, and you know you’re going to make it happen, no matter what it takes. My future flashed before my eyes that day, and I know that sounds cheesy, but it made me realize what I need to do in order to get what I want. Everyone has an ambition for something, even if you’re just a secret yo-yo champion waiting to come out. Figure out what you want and go for it. Don’t be afraid of it. I wasn’t, and I got to somewhere I wanted to be. From here, the only place I can go is up.
